Photo by Bruno Nascimento
We’re not looking for solutions. We’re looking for first steps.
—Sherry Turkle
As usual, I’m thinking a lot about conversations—in particular, how we create the conditions for conversation to flourish in our families. I’m re-viewing Sherry Turkle’s Talk at Google about her book, Reclaiming Conversation (I’ve written about Turkle’s work frequently in the Friday Mindful Digital Life posts—catch up here if you’re new to Mindful Digital Life).
This is an important talk. In it, Dr. Turkle lays out the foundations for nurturing a culture of conversation. Do watch the video. It will take you 31 minutes (the rest of the time is Q&A—if you have more time, watch that as well).
At the end of the talk, she offers these First Steps…here is my very brief summary:
Act with intention. You’ll find her explanation for this one is at 25:28 in the video. She shares a particularly poignant conversation she had with a father of two children, ages 11 and 2. He recalls bath time with his first child when she was 2 years old—he would sit with her and play. That one-on-one time not only nurtured her, it nurtured him. He notices that now with his second child, he sits and does his email on his iPhone. He recognizes something is amiss.
Participate, however you can, in a revitalization of public conversation.Public conversations model how conversations can unfold. We learn how to have conversations by participating in them. Turkle’s students too often share with her that their parents didn’t talk with them at breakfast or dinner, or on walks to the store. She lays much of the responsibility for the lack of conversation on parents.
Put devices out of sight. Remember that the research shows us that the mere presence of a device already signals that your attention is divided even if you don’t intend it.
Accept what research has made clear—unitasking is the next big thing. Be in the vanguard. Nobody wants to hear this. Conversation is the human way to practice unitasking, part of the reason why it’s so hard.
Don’t try to be perfect. Turkle’s students have no interest in attending her office hours today. Unlike in times past, her current students prefer to compose an email to her with the perfect question, and receive the perfect answer, in a transactional exchange. But she asks, who developed a love of learning because they developed the perfect question and got a perfect answer?
Cultivate solitude. The capacity to be alone with your thoughts is crucial. Some of the most crucial conversations you will have are conversations with yourself. Solitude is the basis for sociality.
Obey the 7-minute rule. She takes this directly from a college junior who said it takes at least 7 minutes to see how a conversation will unfold. Many people today lose patience after a few minutes. Hang in there. Give your conversation partners the gift of listening. Be patient with the lulls. Breathe.
Every technology challenges our human values which is a good thing because it causes us to reflect on what these values are.
—Sherry Turkle
What I’m reading: I am still reading The Inevitable: Understanding the 12 Technological Forces That Will Shape Our Future, by Kevin Kelly. Last week I wrote, “Write me and let me know if you’d like to read and discuss The Inevitable—Understanding the 12 Technological Forces That Will Shape Our Future, by the former editor of Wired, Kevin Kelly. …” If more than one of you respond, we’ll have a little informal “book group.”
One reader responded so far. We’re looking for one or two others who are interested—write me and I’ll schedule a video conversation for us. I’m thinking we’ll read one chapter together and see how it goes.
In research news: Text messages that help parents set goals and offer follow-up reminders can double the time parents spend reading to their children, a new study shows. Read a synopsis here.
