Think about one of the best conversations you’ve had…with yourself.
My best conversations with myself have been intentional—I made the time, chose the space and form, and showed up. But more important, I prepared. I invested a lot of energy in studying and practicing the qualities of creative conversation, beginning with listening.
My last semester in college I did an apprenticeship at a remarkable school. It was a full-day Montessori preschool and an elementary program inspired by the educational philosophies of A. S. Neill and John Holt. This was the early ’70s. The school was founded by parents and had a very active parents community. School decisions were made in a monthly gathering of all the teachers and all the parents called the Committee of the Whole. When you make decisions by consensus, it becomes clear very quickly that listening is a basic conversational skill. So we brought in people to help us ramp up our listening skills—I took my first class in Active Listening based on work by Carl Rogers and Richard Farson at that school shortly after I arrived. In a paper first published in 1957, Rogers and Farson wrote:
People who have been listened to in this new and special way become more emotionally mature, more open to their experiences, less defensive, more democratic, and less authoritarian.
I can testify that I did become “more open to my experiences” and “less defensive” after experiencing a deeper listening and being heard. That course, and my experiences in the school, opened a doorway to a lifelong interest and commitment to the art and science of conversation, and its relationship to learning…which brings me back to the beginning of this post and my initial invitation to think about the best conversation you’ve had…with yourself.
Think about what the topic of that conversation was with yourself. What was the setting? Then think about the emotional tone—was it curiosity, awe, relaxation, appreciation, relief, astonishment, joy, revelation, enthusiasm…or?
What do conversations with ourselves have to do with Mindful Digital Life? We’re not just modeling for our kids the choices we make about when, where, and how to use our devices. We’re modeling the quality of conversation we have with ourselves that leads to making choices for greater well-being.
In my previous post, I wrote about Learning Conversations as reflective practice. We create the time and space to examine and review our relationship with technology regularly—bringing a curious and non-judgmental form of listening to ourselves. That quality of active, open listening over time supports genuine insight.
As we show up for reflection about our ever-changing relationship with technology and make it a habit, we’ll be better able to align our choices with our goals and values. We’ll notice when we’re drifting off course sooner. We’ll recover better when we crash and burn. Isn’t that what we want for our kids? Practicing reflection ourselves demonstrates that not only do we value reflection, but we realize that making choices for a Mindful Digital Life requires it.
When children grow up with time alone with their thoughts, they feel a certain ground under their feet.
—Sherry Turkle, Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age
